Taming the appetite turns out to be quite the beast of burden for someone like me with a propensity for compulsive behavior. I eat. Maybe I’m a food addict… I’m certainly not a foodie… most people who’ve eaten my “cooking” would agree that I don’t seem to have a particularly sophisticated palette. But what I AM capable of is eating beyond hungry, beyond satisfied, beyond full. It’s annoying. When I started using my plate, taking note of what I ate and at what times, I was disturbed by the frequency with which I put food in my body. I was pretty much putting something in my mouth once an hour or so (didn’t even have to taste that good). It seemed clear I was satisfying an oral fixation, more so than pangs of hunger. It was a war: my mouth and hands vs. my stomach and mind. Hands and mouth had had the upper hand for a little too long. So I tried to find ways to make it hard to stomach the overly caloric, unhealthy stuff. I drank a couple of glasses of water before eating––stealing space (turns out the majority of the time we think we’re interpreting a hunger brain signal, we’re actually misinterpreting our body’s request for water). I ate hella fiber… anything for a false feeling of fullness. And because taste wasn’t that important to me, I made sure I had a good supply of healthy food.
I can’t figure out if it’s the smartest or dumbest piece of advice I’ve ever heard, but a personal trainer on the T.V show The Biggest Loser, recommended satisfying a craving for chocolate cake with a sugar-free piece of chewing gum. Um… okaaaaay…. If I want a chocolate cake, I don’t think a five-calorie stick of GUM will suffice! But I listened and allowed myself to develop a chewing gum addiction, which gave me something to put in my mouth when I wasn’t hungry but wanted to be chewing. And of course I overdose on gum… but it’s better than overdosing on trail mix or granola bars or some other healthy snack (because I learnt that I could take something healthy and wonderful and make it my enemy––the thing hurting my cause). 4 or 5 granola bars, a super-sized fruit drink, oats and nuts cereal serving size for 5, still left me with 3000-4000 calories at the end of the day. It was better (than say a tub of icecream or whatever), but still hurting the cause.
Sometimes Hand, Mouth and Mind gang up on Stomach. It’s called denial. Denial is a powerful and useless beast. If I don’t write it down, it’s like I didn’t eat it. I don’t like to think about my slips, so I forgive myself for my transgressions pretty quickly and keep it moving. But if I don’t own it, then I don’t feel the need to make up for it at the gym, or even consider the fact that it’ll rear it’s ugly head in my weekly Wednesday weigh-in. Once I write it down, it happened and I can then deal with it. Secretly eating a brownie turns out to be the same amount of calories as eating it publicly. So I try to own it, accept it, and keep it moving (although public eating can have its own drama... and we can definitely talk about that). Same with weighing myself: I step on the scale every Wednesday, no matter what. If I pig out on Tuesday and feel like I know I’ll be heavier… not stepping on the scale doesn’t stop the weight gain. So I just do it, and whatever the number on Wednesday is, I own it. It’s the reality. Denial, avoidance, procrastination, and rationalization, that's easy, holding myself accountable, that's necessary.
Thanks for the post, Aida. Did you ever try the eating 4-5 small meals (like snacks) a day instead of 3 big ones? I did a bootcamp for a month and that's what they told us to do. But then, of course, portion control could still be an issue. I find that I can eat super well from 9-7pm, but then at night I seem to turn into a sweet tooth snack a holic! I've tried drinking tea and water, brushing my teeth, and not having things like cookies in the house, but I still end up something late.
ReplyDeleteI love the paragraph on denial: "Secretly eating a brownie turns out to be the same amount of calories as eating it publicly." "not stepping on the scale doesn’t stop the weight gain..." love it. love it. love it.
ReplyDelete@ Erica, you know, I tried the small meal deal... but uh, i found, like you and many folk i know, as the day went on i was more inclined to eat it up. So, i generally like to have more calories than less going into the final hours of the day. I still try to not eat after 7:30 or 8 if i can, but i accept the fact that dinner, not breakfast, will be the biggest meal of my day... and so i generally eat more as the day goes along. Teeth brushing is a good one... I do that too (although sometimes my hand just wont let me brush my teeth if i'm hungry). It's funny, teh other day michelle obama gave a speech about children's health, talking about how "dessert is not a right" ... um, i think it is. i've tried, but if i don't have some sort of a dessert, i'm more inclined to do the whole crackers galore, random this, fiber bar, whatever to compensate for my craving. So (as i'm now on a vegan kick), i have my bowl of trader joe's soy creamy cherry chocolate chip or something (190 cals per serving), and i'm satiated. the whoel small meals thing works only when i'm not dealing with myself working from home, all day long, with the kitchen in the next room, and the grocery store down the street. if i'm busy, i wont snack. if i'm not... it can be an issue.
ReplyDelete@court - if this was facebook, i would check the like button for your comment.
For a person that studies accountability in education, I totally lack accountability when it comes to eating. I can testify that counting calories and being accountable and present in eating experiences leads to weight loss. But for some reason I think normal people dont have to "count" calories. But actually, my fittest friends remain cognizant of what they are eating, but it is like second nature or involuntary reflex.
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