I must confess: sometimes I imagine there’s an expiration date to my weight loss. Like, I only have a few more days, or weeks to be this size and then midnight will strike, my carriage will turn back into a pumpkin, which I will eat as I make my way home to plus size.
"I don't have a weight problem—I have a self-care problem that manifests through weight." -Oprah
Do I have a healthy relationship to food and exercise? Probably not. Okay fine, not at all. Not yet. “Maintaining,” has turned out to be a silly little game of adding and losing unsubstantial numbers, minor flip-flopping. Sometimes maintenance feels like unsuccessful weight loss… all the work, but the number stays the same. I love working out, I get high on it, but I also feel as though I need to work out as ridiculously hard as I do just to have a functioning metabolism! I think about food and its nutritional value, way more than I talk about it, which is a lot (at least a lot more than I want to… I generally find people who like to talk ad nauseam about nutrition eye-rollingly tedious… I can’t be that girl).
Each time I dropped a clothes size, I donated the larger clothes to charity. And being that I am not working with Oprah’s budget, if my clothes begin to feel tight, I step it up at the gym. I can’t afford to gain that weight back, emotionally or financially… or socially, apparently. These past two week in Uganda, I was showered with comments, compliments and concerns regarding this new body. As I’ve mentioned before, Ugandans are brutally blunt, so the most recurrent reactions mirrored this particularly memorable one: “Amen, THANK THE LORD… You were sooooo FAT!!!!!! It was terrible. Now you finally look your age and attractive.” …Ummmm… Thanks?
While I can't currently conceive of losing the drive I have to keep up the work of being less than 150-pounds, it's a fear that festers. But I appreciate Oprah's philosophy: "My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold—to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself."
... That was a prime moment for television! I think every woman struggling with their weight, including my mother upped their Jane Fonda workout ten-fold. Six years later I would go to the aerobics work-out class with my mom, every week!--and like Oprah, I've watched her lose and gain and the ugandan word for gain, BLOW-UP. But one thing remains, her resilient philosophy in exercise. She has been working out for over twenty years, for a period of four years she ran her own aerobics class, and lately she is considering taekwondo. My mother says, exercise is the only thing that keeps me alive.
ReplyDeleteGreat read!
i'm-ill
Oh Aida, its not only you. After I lost all that weight when I moved I was and still am reeeediculously scared of regaining it, and I still obsess over my weight all the time. I've gained some weight recently and my behaviour is exactly the same as senior year again, frantically counting calories and going to the gym even though my BMI is not even overweight yet. The thought that I could unknowingly blow up like I did before scares me alot. It's sooooo normal. Alot of people who have lost alot of weight find out what its like on the other side of things, ie. they find out what people really think of people who are overweight have this problem. Read this article I once saw for an example "http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-i-lost-100-pounds-and-found-out-what-the-world-thinks-of-fat-/". But on a side note, I realised recently, after I've finally started taking care of myself, that I've never really lost weight the healthy way, like you, from working out and stuff. I always just broke up with someone or was stressed with graduate school or something and then I looked down and was thin again. The reason your new lifestyle is sutainable is because it is just that, a new lifestyle. I've read that book "The Best Life Diet" and it explicitly explains that the reason Oprah yoyo'd is because nothing really changed, she had no interest in being healthy or loving herself, she just wanted to be thin. Okay, I've rambled.
ReplyDelete@ Amil - It's true, they do say "blow up!" and "explode", LOL. What we do with language is hilarious really.
ReplyDelete@Mimi - Wow, that article is so real. I like how she talks about being an undercover agent on behalf of fat people... it's as though she's passing. An inner fat girl for life and proud. But you know, she assumes that big girls don't have fat prejudice (which would be like an alternative internalized oppression or something). But I recall some of the good old college days, the bigger we got, the more we relished watching things like the half ton man, judging away, becoming less and less tolerant of what we called laziness and gluttony (all the while lounging around drinking bottomless bud lights, eating chicken quesadillas and downing pizza-flavored pringles cans). Good times.
Like the blog. Would love to hear your thoughts on this article
ReplyDeletehttp://jezebel.com/5655194/healthy+living-blogs-maybe-not-so-healthy
Youngafrican - the article raises a good critique of healthy living blogs (that are similar but not quite like my blog). There are many weight loss blogs in which the bloggers document food in, exercize out. That's not really what I'm doing here, I like to be more general and sometimes talk about general food control strategies and sports or activities that i do, without giving a daily account.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, at the end of the article, the author asks bloggers to "stop blogging about weight. Stop posting before-and-after pictures. Stop equating weight loss with health. Don't post weight loss tips or calorie counts. Just take weight out of the equation." I am guilty as charged for most of that. And in my next blog entry, I'm going to talk about the place of "moderates" in the Supersize vs. Superskinny scale, because I'm learning, it doesn't matter where you are or how you look, you can still suffer from disordered eating, obsessive compulsive food relationships and all the things people attribute to anorexics or obese people. I've been watching a lot of supersize vs. Superskinng.
Really enjoyed your last post on supersize vs superskinny attitudes (I was slightly obsessed with that show for a while). One of the things I appreciate about your writing is the introspection you put in, because its not about losing weight, is it? It's about examining oneself and one's attitudes and the prevailing attitudes in society that make us think the way we do, and if your blog encourages you, or your readers to do that then I personally think its a lot healthier than a banana or 12-grain bread
ReplyDelete:)
Great post Aida. I appreciate your consistency with this blog. I think that where you are is an important place to be - you're doing quite well & you care about always feeling good. When I first started exercising, I went through a phase of counting the calories, but in a month I realized it wasn't for me. I haven't checked my weight in years. I realized through a lot of experience that I have made the lifestyle change and no matter whether I exercise, count calories or not, I'm a new person & it's only natural that I'll keep up with the new version of me. I've found a way to exercise that works for me with two or three days a week. I even took a few months months off structured gym exercise this year and my body and fitness pretty much stayed pretty constant - clothes fit the same. The key I found has been strength training. If I spend a few months of the year training 2 or 3 times a week consistently & making sure I get stronger each time I train, then the results are long term & very easy to maintain. Another thing that I use to assess my progress is performance assessment - at any time I want to be able to do 100 pushups, run for 45 minutes easily, squat 135lb...that's my base fitness. If those things become challenging, then I know I have to get back into more intense conditioning. When I'm 90 years old, I want to be even fitter than I am now, but I want it to be easy & natural - maybe going to the gym once or twice a week, running every week or two. I find this more laissez faire approach works for me at this point in time & it feels healthy on all levels to be in a place where exercise is more for fun & performance & I don't think about weight as relating to exercise anymore. I appreciate Oprah's quote. I find your blog really inspirational. Thank you for being you! Here is another kool blog: http://thefatsolutions.com/. I'm starting my own blog & website slowly: http://www.wellnessinflow.com/ & http://wellnessinflow.wordpress.com/
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous & fun weekend Aida :) From Piwai