At my heaviest, nothing anybody said or did could have inspired me to lose weight. There was no piece of information, light bulb revelation, magic word combination capable of motivating me out of an appetite and into gym shorts. Which is something I sometimes forget when I feel that oh-so-human urge to share my feelings about how somebody else, usually somebody I love, seems to treat their body.
No matter how well meaning, it’s hard to hear and process a legitimate sentiment or reaction to my body for what it is. Quite frankly, I can’t think of anything more suspiciously condescending than concern. When people told me to lose weight, even out of true worry, care, kindness, love… I hated it. I hated them. I hated them, because it was easier to hate them than hear them. And even when I did hear them, all that translated into was my feeling bad about myself, about my body. A comment about my largeness was a rude reminder that it was not all in my head but in yours too, in the heads of others around me.
Nobody ever told me anything about my size I didn’t know deep down. So I teeter between appreciating the act of bursting delusions versus silently sanctioning self-destruction.
“You know such-and-such is bad for you” never deterred me from doing it. If anything it almost inspired a borderline moronic will to defy. I don’t always want to be good.
The most upsetting thing about somebody expressing concern for my size was that they got to leave when the conversation was over but I did not. At the end of the day, especially if I shared their concerns, I was left with this body we disapproved of. And to want to live in my body (something I had few other options but to do), I had to unhear or mishear words that hurt. To make my body liveable in again, to love myself and seek change in my own time for my own sake, I became immune to what others had to say. Correction. The things people said only hurt me, they never inspired me. That’s just how it was. I guess I had to find my own cliff edge, my own limit, fall over it, and rope myself back when I was good and ready. Because frustratingly remarkable people don’t hold the monopoly on willpower… lying at the other end of complete desperation, on the other side of my too far was my motivation. I lost eighty pounds when I found myself eighty pounds overweight.
Hey Aida! Great post, I really appreciate your remarks. For the record, when we were roommates, I thought you looked fine so the weight gain must have started afterwards. I, on the other hand, gained a TON of weight that year and it wasn't until recently that I've finally tried to turn that around. Incidentally it came from a comment of a friend of mine about my weight. She seemed critical about it (in a nice way) and encouraged me to lose weight if I could. I really appreciated that, and in a sense I envy you for having friends loving enough to be honest with you. I always notice that people are more than quick to compliment or simply comment on the weight one has lost than to comment on the weight one has gained which for me would have turned me around much sooner. For me, I think it's much more important to point out someone's weight especially if they've seemed to gain a lot in a short period of time like I did. Of course social pressures probably prevents people from doing this more often. However, I've found it's easier for me to be in denial about something when no one else is pointing it out.
ReplyDeleteWOW !! Finding the courage to discover motivation, in its abounding measures in our spirit, is I think a GRAND GRAND TASK !! Since knowing you Aida, I realize that you are fearless, but when that fearlessness was directed towards losing the pounds, I was simply ASTONISHED !!! These are things one can remember, how I found the motivation in my life to make changes. and Positive Changes. To find the breath at once in change and in life. Ahmayzing.
ReplyDeleteAmil